"The Jingle Bell Bum" (Read The Touching True Story...please!) Comment at patriciahanrion.com

"The Jingle Bell Bum" (Read The Touching True Story...please!) Comment at patriciahanrion.com
Still available on Amazon for Nook and Kindle, hard copy booklett to re-print November 2013

Sunday, March 4, 2012

Why Don't My Pants Fit?

Hey, why don't my pants fit?  I weigh almost the same as I did ten years ago.  I think gravity has something to do with my wardrobe malfunction.  It's gravity and the fact that my adipose tissue seems to migrate.  I mean move around.  I see the advertisements for Brazilian butts.  I have the same butt only thing it's in the front.  I guess I should walk backwards and then I'd be in fashion. 
I know my condition is the result of time passing, yes I admit it. Getting older is the pits.  A while back I went to a gerontology class so I could teach Medical Surgical Nursing.  Ha, the information they talked about is my life!  First they mentioned your vision not only fades, but colors become more difficult to match as detailed perception also fades.  So I end up looking like a Johnny Depp character from Alice with bright colors. Ones that I thought were faded and subtle. 
And who knew..Ha..I wear glasses sometimes WITH my contacts to read pharmacy labels which are written for the little itsy bitsy Whos in the Horton story.  
Then they mentioned that your taste is the next to go. Some young whipper snapper of about 50 years or so said "you are born with 100% of your taste buds, they don't grow back so when you destroy them with hot liquids...brain freeze cold, and Tabasco sauce your taste begins to disappear."  I think that means that by the time you are 80 you have anywhere from 25-20% of those taste buds left...that's why some of the things I hated as a kid... you know like...garlic, onions, avacados, you like in your senior years.  That's why old people chew on mints constantly to get rid of the bad breath from the noxious foods they eat.  Eating strong foods can at least allow you to get some enjoyment of food.  Salty and Sweet still remain, but chewing may be a problem.  I remember Patrick's dad being hooked on chips and doughnuts...makes sense now!
Balance can go pretty quick so that's the broken hip thing as you fall down because the message to the brain to re-adjust your posture or "Quick..you'll FALL" is pretty slow.  Hot also takes a long time to reach the old thinker too and that's why my mother-in-law could take out a tray of cookies from the oven without hot pads to protect her hands...
I'm still going to try and get this five baby baggy belly to reposition or go away...but decided if I did that it would be worse.  Hmmm, one giant boob, no... a hump back, one large hip, Oh DARN! Naw.
Then I thought how about the thing I saw on TV the other day that flattens your stomach.  Where does that fat go...right up into your neck and thoracic cavity so you look like you have a goiter and can't breathe to boot.  So there you go! Asphyxiate to death, while looking good!  I don't like that option.   
This is grim...so picture this, a weirdly dressed, smelly, falling down, person who is able to stand extremes of temperature due to slow neuro movement. 
But then I tried to think of one good thing as I usually do.  And decided there was one good thing; as Social security runs out WA-LA who cares!  You won't care or be bothered when forced to eat cat food and crackers because the taste and smell would be fine due to zero taste buds and no olfactory sense at all. (maybe not so okay with lumpy or stringy texture) You won't care about lots of miss matched old clothes either for now you can't distinguish anything except bright colors...Hmmm , that's a silver lining, sort-of-I guess. 

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