"The Jingle Bell Bum" (Read The Touching True Story...please!) Comment at patriciahanrion.com

"The Jingle Bell Bum" (Read The Touching True Story...please!) Comment at patriciahanrion.com
Still available on Amazon for Nook and Kindle, hard copy booklett to re-print November 2013

Friday, April 15, 2011

"I got no respect for Oprah!"

There seems to be a big fuss about Oprah these days.  That she is ending the long successful run of her talk show and about all the wonderful, generous and kind things she does...I could give a rip!@#$%

Oprah hasn't been connected to the real life of we minions for quite some time, if ever.  With her personal trainer, dresser, cook, accountant, chauffeur, cleaning staff... it seems as though all she has to do is breathe.  If I had all that help, I could be magnanimous, gorgeous and chatty too.  And still have enough money left over to publish my own magazine and a book.

I always marvel at the admiration of the interviewers when they speak to some of the public/famous actors, politicians and/or sports personalities. "Oh! How can you keep so slim?"  "What a lovely complexion you have!"  "You have so much to say in your book at the age of only 15!"  Or, some other gushy, over-wordy compliment implying these men and women are experts at everything! (Do you really think Mr.or Ms. So-and-So actually wrote the cook or exercise book being pitched?  No.....I don't think so...) Don't these interviewers or talk show hosts realize these impostors have never lived any semblance of the day to day lives of us common folk...

You haven't truly lived until you've cleaned up a toilet after your child who has had an explosion of the flu at both ends,..or mowed a lawn, or picked up the dog poop, or tried to feed a large family on pennies, or mopped the floor after a bottle of ketchup smashes onto your newly waxed linoleum floor when your two year old finally figures out how to open the refrigerator door. I once heard a mom say, "Your not a real mom or a real person until one of your sick children climbs into bed with you only to throw-up spagettios' into your mouth and hair!"  So I say, "Get a real life Oprah honey and see what it's all about."

I write this as I recently found a page from my diary of one day when I was particularly busy with five children, Church activities, and work, as well as preparing for a family of seven three meals a day on my minuscule balanced budget, all the while, maintaining a household tidy and clean enough to avoid the health department making a surprise visit.  The page I found had a picture attached of our family many years ago with all of us in the truly disgusting matching stretch-neck tee-shirts I had made.  My family was kind enough to without complaint, wear the variety of home-sewn items I produced even to the point of embarrassment.  Until one day after I had made my three girls matching flowered dresses for church and they refused to wear them.  "Mom if we all stand together we look like a couch...and if there's only two of us we are in disguise as a love seat!  (Well if f I can manage to keep a budget by insisting my family wear home made experiments to save money then why does the government think because they are overly spendy they can constantly reach into my shallow pocket for more to give to others....heck I give to my church where I know the funds will be well spent, and not on golden toilet seats!)

And what truly bugs me is some of the perks these accidental famous people receive.  Such as my recent gripe...getting inane books published.  Recently Barnes and Noble has closed lots of stores and I went over there for their advertised bargains hoping to get ahead on my birthday, Christmas shopping for our family of 25.  As I wandered through the store the vast array of reading material struck me, mostly the books written by notable people.  I picked up a few and was amazed at one young actress who had written a book about her 27 years on this earth.  First of all how did she ever get a publisher to print her book or even come up with the material to interest anyone to care enough to read the drivel on the pages.  And then the stacks and stacks of self-help and how-to, and "dummy" books on the shelves must be an indicator of the lack of skill or talent of the majority of the populace if they are turning to this kind of book to give them a handle on the subject

One of the things I noticed is the vast number of Vampire books.  Fun to read I guess but after a while they all blend together and if people can't figure out NOT to invite a stranger into their home to prevent the visitor from sucking them dry is amazing.  Or how about knowing to not go into the light to avoid being turned into a crispy tater-tot, that is of course unless you have a magic ring.  After a while it must be hard to keep it all straight with all the nuances found in the various plots....but they all end with the fated romance that must overcome differences in culture...That's putting it lightly.

So I wonder what I must do to get my novel published.  Know someone who is an agent or publisher, have a vampire sub-plot, or do something nuts to get attention like launching one of my grand kids up in a hot air balloon and then promptly losing it?  I finally got my copyright back from the government.  I was really excited, it only took six months.  But then realized, "So smarty, here you are with a story no one can copy or plagiarize, neato.  Now how can you get anyone to publish it much less read it?"

As for the subject of my adventurous novel...no public figure celebrity for me...I used history, geography, research of Native Americans and poisonous plants, my own personal knowledge of medicine and pharmacology and also a study of literary forms to create a mystery, adventure romance.  And when I figured out how to have my heroes find the hidden treasure I even went to an engineer to make sure my idea would work as far as the mechanics go...and he said it was a feasible and creative solution to the mystery...Cool huh!  "With all those dummy books so popular maybe my story is too cerebral?  Very few people know what a chiasmus is....!"

"If I was Oprah I'm sure several publishers would be jumping up and down at the chance to get their hands on my manuscript and gush over the ingenuity and cleverness and terrific character development.  Ya know I've been thinking of changing my name to see if that gets me any attention. I have it!!!...how does Oprah sound to you?

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