"The Jingle Bell Bum" (Read The Touching True Story...please!) Comment at patriciahanrion.com

"The Jingle Bell Bum" (Read The Touching True Story...please!) Comment at patriciahanrion.com
Still available on Amazon for Nook and Kindle, hard copy booklett to re-print November 2013

Friday, November 16, 2012

How can you Ignore me? Ode to the porta-pot!

Yesterday after I read on a radio show "Naked came the Bruce", (Paul Strickland was nice enough to give me a 40 min. interview on KBET radio about "The Jingle Bell Bum") I got a call from my four year old grandson...He began, "Why did Tigger look in the toilet." It took a while to figure out he was telling me a joke. I went ahead and gave him the courtesy laugh. He called his Bubba...(Patrick) and told the same joke. Pat was in a staff meeting and didn't even get the joke until I explained it to him that night on the phone. Of course Ben sometimes is hard to understand in his four year old excitement of learning how to make folks laugh. It wasn't a great joke, but he is definitely following in his grandpa's footsteps. Patrick seems to be in his glory when he is pulling a joke on someone.

(I'll tell you what's under the large American flag he hangs behind his desk in another Blog entry.)

Anyway, I just realized Patrick has abused my talent by calling in the middle of the day with one of his hair brained ideas and wants me to write a poem about someone or something. I began to think of all the wasted time when I could have been writing some very important story or novel...and yet some of the stuff Ive written at his request has been quite clever if I do say so myself. Most are about people and if you don't know the person you could never see the humor, however some are about subjects that are universal...I rather like this one.

How can you ignore me? Ode of the Porta-pot.

What is the thing no one will discuss?
Or has the thought to mention aloud

Ignored ‘til you need me I’m otherwise shunned
Anxious to greet me while on the run

I sit and wait for your daily visit, patient enduring your cheeks to caress
I care not if your deposit is liquid or odoriferous mess

No one will admit what my four walls are for
Or why your sorry ass must enter my door

It’s a thing you all do, to get rid of your poo
I wonder why you’re ashamed of my walls azure blue

And when they come with the truck, hoses ready to sanitize
You turn away hold your nose, and cover your eyes

So in my exile away from all human vision
What sadness surrounds me by your outcast decision?

Away from the throng, away from you all, still travel is worth it to reach release
Whether its mild soft cheese or some hot XXX Cantonese

How can you keep me away in my dark noxious fumes?
Are you so ashamed to expel your legumes?

Yet whither thou goest, It matters naught
You’ll forever need me, your trusty olde porta-pot

With paper to soothe your sore smooth bottom
Sorry for the absent Bidet…I no got-em

I await you still; I hold no grudge…so visit me often, no matter how far
For it’s better than putting your c--- in a jar.

Thursday, November 8, 2012

Airport blues, or should I drive?

Flight travel is a tricky game at best

Airports like armed camps, everyone distressed

The line to start your journey begins at the curb

You gather-up your bags and feel quite absurd

For no matter how carefully you pack they’re stuffed full

As you drag them to the counter you look quite pitiful

Then..."One weighs too much," a man says with glee

So you re-arrange your underwear, out there for all to see

The worst insult comes as you stand in the longest line

Worried you'll miss the flight even though you're on time

With cavalier sluggish movements from the man way up in front

Who treats each person as if he's on an insurgent weapons hunt

Frail old ladies are searched, and wide-eyed small children cry

Your head is screaming on the inside, but outside you only sigh

For they study each passenger as if doing biological research

Your placed in front of an x-ray for the naked full body search

And I know when I die as a result of x-rays and Twinkies galore
(I just heard Hostess is going bankrupt...what will I do without Twinkies?)
I'll be preserved with a visible glow from here to Baltimore

Is it worth the hassle that continues during the flight?

"Buckle-up, don't move, no bathrooms," the gestapo isn't polite!

You sit between the large man who flesh oozes into your lap

And the stinky guy on the other side uses your shoulder for his nap

Could I drive there and not have this painful worry and stress?

Even if it took a bit longer than taking the nightmare express

Consider this next time your on-line and plan to reserve a seat

Even with high gas prices the comfort of driving, can't be beat


Monday, November 5, 2012

Pack'n Heat in Wallmart again!

(This is the "No Firearms" sign I saw..in upper state Az.)

My husband is in high demand at Intel in Arizona. SOOOO He is off again, well to clairfy, I know you know he's off most of the time...What really I mean is...he's gone to Arizona for  another contract stint of a month or two or so...

My cutie is right behind the bare-belly guy....these are a few of his closest  friends doing the haka...don't ask...this is fun?
and believe it or not...I miss him when he's gone...

After spending a bit of time in the hot flat state, we discovered there are a lot of things we rather like about Arizona, not the heat, but some other stuff. We like their politics for sure.

But, Arizona is very different from other states we have visited. We discovered this early on after living there for a month or two. One weekend we went to a little town in Northern Arizona to get away from the heat...it was only 92 in the daytime, instead of 115, and went down to 69 at night. Even the water from the tap was cool...not cold mind you...but at least cool.

There were a few pines and mountains which is a change from the flat around Chandler which is near Phoenix and is flat, flat, flat.... Anyway we went out to dinner the first night we were in Payson. I noticed on the door was a sign warning to not carry a weapon inside. Since neither of us had ever seen such a sign we decided it must be on all restaurants in Arizona. But then as we drove back to the motel, I looked at the numerous fast food places...every fast food place I had ever seen was present within the space of two blocks...(except In-n-out) Anyway, none of them had the special sign.
It wasn't until the next night when we went to get a burger we figured out how the law must work. The burger place had a small bar area in the corner of the establishment. And there again was the sign...no firearms. I came to the conclusion that any place where they serve alcohol you are not allowed to carry a loaded firearm...into the establishment. (See photo above)
We recently discovered the State of Arizona has a state gun...the Colt 45. An interesting and cool fact I thought, until I went into Wall-mart and saw a young man with a gun strapped to his hip in the check out line.
It was out there for everyone to see, so it wasn't a concealed weapon. (I wanted to get a concealed carry license for my Glock, here in Arizona, but guess it's okay if I just wear it hanging from my purse.) I know you need a permit to carry a concealed weapon, like in a shoulder holster under your coat...but this was in the open! so it was okay ! 
I mentioned the semantics to Patrick..."It wasn't concealed...it was right out there in the open like when we were on a train in Italy and a bunch of guys came on with Uzi's over their shoulders." That experience was intimidating and a bit scary. But then again the military men were in uniform and you knew they had at least trained to use their weapon, quite different from feeling confident about a dad shopping with two little kids in the cart looking for bread and bananas packing a gun on his hip!

After we got home that night our son Patrick called and shared an article he read about a guy in Chandler who shot his penis by having his gun in his waist band in Fry's groceries...the same store where we shop...I'm not sure if I would offer first aid help to a guy so stupid he didn't have on the safety...but most likely my nurse self would take over...Or maybe NOT!
After seeing the Wallmart packin' dad, I thought...what if a guy was drinking at a bar without his gun...then went down the street to Safeway fully drunk...but there he could have his gun! Maybe that's what happened to the guy in Fry's